I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.
I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them. - George Bush
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. - Mark Twain
Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.
One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush
"Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back." - Al Bundy
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
What you call dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.
W. Sommerset Morgan
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
If you can’t live without me, Why aren’t you dead yet?
Silence is golden but duck tape is silver.
Anonymous
Man has his will, but woman has her way.
Holmes
I am in my own little world but it's okay they know me here.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad cheque.
Confidence is the feeling you sometimes have before you fully understand the situation.
Unknown
Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.
Save water, shower with your girlfriend.
Love the neighbor, just watch out for the husband.
Children in the backseat cause accidents, Accidents in the backseat cause children.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Confusious
Fact of life: after Monday and Tuesday, even the calender says W T F.
If aliens are looking for intelligent life WHY ARE YOU SCARED?!
When You Feel That There Is No Point In Life. Just Draw A Triangle. Then There'd Be Three
if you think no one cares if your dead or alive miss a couple of mortgage payments
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.... But unless life gives you water and sugar with your lemons, ur lemonade gonna suck.
When life gives you lemons...make grape juice!!! Then sit back and let the world wonder how...
When life gives you lemons squeeze them in someone's eyes that will show them.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. ~Elayne Boosler
Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. ~Colin Sautar
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office. - Robert Frost
There are three types of people in the world......those who can count and those who can't.
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
if i was a bird i know who i'd shit on first.
As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. ---- Fran Lebowitz
Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.- Kin Hubbard
I've learned never to be surprised if what must inevitably happen happens right now. ~Robert Brault,
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. ~Charles Schulz
The miracle is not to fly in the air, or to walk on the water, but to walk on the earth. ~Chinese Proverb
Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter. ~Author Unknown
Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad. ~P.D. East
As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed. Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around. ~Robert Brault,
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ~Author Unknown
Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker. ~From the movie Naked
Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years. ~Author Unknown
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. ~Author Unknown
Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown. ~Woody Allen, Getting Even, 1971
An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault. ~William Castle
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. ~Aldous Huxley
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. ~Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes
Death is a once in a lifetime experience. Then again it is not.
It is easier to be wise for others than for ourselves.Francois De La Rochefoucauld
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
I've learned never to be surprised if what must inevitably happen happens right now. ~Robert Brault,
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. ~Charles Schulz
The miracle is not to fly in the air, or to walk on the water, but to walk on the earth. ~Chinese Proverb
Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter. ~Author Unknown
Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad. ~P.D. East
As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed. Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around. ~Robert Brault,
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ~Author Unknown
Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker. ~From the movie Naked
Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years. ~Author Unknown
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. ~Author Unknown
Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown. ~Woody Allen, Getting Even, 1971
An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault. ~William Castle
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. ~Aldous Huxley
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. ~Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes
Death is a once in a lifetime experience. Then again it is not.
It is easier to be wise for others than for ourselves.Francois De La Rochefoucauld
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
(funniest link ever hahahahahaha)
